I remember the start of my journey - my journey into women, into the power of women, into the power of myself. I remember it potently.
I was home alone. Nyaniso was at work, acting as Mr Sexy-Bad-Guy on TV, fans were swooning, and I was pondering what it was to be in South Africa for my man - what it was to be a “man’s woman” - what it means to be a woman full stop.
Those were lazy days, with little direction, un-diagnoasble abdominal cramps at various times of the month (screaming at me to pay attention to the messages they held). On this particular groggy-period day, with vague intention and self-absorbed confusion I ran myself a bath.
About to step in, the phone rang. I ran into the living room, took the call quickly and then returned to step into the bubbles and water. Lifting my leg, I looked down to see red across my naked inner thigh...
“Euuuugghh!” My thought reflexes kicked in hard.
STOP! - in the name of... “WHAT?!? What did you just think?”
“Eugh for what? Huh?”
It was as though the room had slowed down around me, pausing for me to reflect. It dawned on me fast... “I’ve been TAUGHT by men and women around me, that my period is disgusting - that in INTEGRAL PART OF WHAT MAKES ME A WOMAN is disgusting...”
Never mind a light going on in my mind. Fireworks went off across my entire body, and I was spurred to access all the information I could about the power of women, about my cycle, the demise of the goddess, womb wisdom - about it all.
Over the next few months I drowned myself in all I could. I ate the pages of my books like a starving human, and it all logically clicked – so, much, sense. I felt furious. Rage surged through my body. So much innate wisdom had been denied to me - so much of what I deeply felt was a birth-right had never been gifted to me. Not to me, and not to anyone around me, really. Not really.
I knew I had to connect deeper, personally. It was one of the most powerful callings I’ve felt - I knew there was something I needed to know, or rather feel, or receive or... Something.
Trauma sat in my body and it was knocking the door to be addressed. I had to do something about it.
Here’s the thing...
"Divine Feminine, Sacred Moon-Time, Woo-woo” articles evoked an urgent mission, they celebrated something that I wanted to celebrate in myself - but the books all felt so cryptic.
"We must connect our great mother and reclaim our wisdom” they would non-specifically say.
“Just delve into the vast universal power in your body, you are a portal to all the healing the world needs” they would say.
Yes, but HOW? What should I DO?
I read one book that talked about the pelvic bowl as a powerful system of different energies - the ins and outs of it all - answers came. The author encouraged me, the reader, to place my hands over my womb space and feel into it...
So I did.
Aware that I’d never really done this before I was curious to receive this wisdom...
I felt nothing.
Nothing at all.
Not numb or cold or tight or warm or empty...
Having absorbed so many poetic lines about the importance of connecting to this “divine-feminine universal healing force”, I felt like there was something innately wrong with me as a woman. Not in an externally dictated way (although, arguably this was influenced by the books) - rather as though I had a deep sense that something was missing. I knew, if there was anything I had to do, it was connect to this “thing”
I read and I read more.
Tried with all my might to surrender (chuckles)
Every day I would put my hands over my womb space in the hope that I would get something. Anything.
For about a year I went on, feeling inadequate to the version of myself I strived to become. Continuing to gently persist in seeking this connection that all my books spoke of. Wanting to win. Learning more and more about the historical narratives around women, women’s power and all things womb-related. Connecting to my cycle, noticing the fluctuations in my energy at different times of the month, learning to work with them.
But still, when it came to connection - direct, feeling, connection to my womb - nothing.
The change came during my Spiral Journey. I was going through the process, guided by an incredibly activated practitioner. I lay in bed one night, Nyaniso was sleeping next to me and the moon shone through the window. I tried again... As ever... Dropping in with a deep breath, trusting that one-day the time would come...
Eyes closed, breathing deep, a rush of light came over me and a luminous green baby appeared. I’ve never been able to visualise things (I was pained with frustration at not being able to picture Nyaniso’s face while we were apart) but my visions are crystal clear. That baby brought me so much joy - it was the view from the top of the tallest mountain. The reward of my persistence and a knowing that something had finally activated was a deeply anchored accomplishment.
Being a woman had become something which I celebrated, it lit up as the root of my pride and my power. Feeling connected to this energy within me, decorated my day-to-day life with so much colour. I felt like a superhero - just, cause, women. My intuition powered up, my knowing came in strong and my deep love and admiration for women was ignited.
Dreams started to show me truth, in detail – the reality is, they always had, I had just never felt justified in trusting my intuition. I would approach Nyaniso with the details of my dreams and he would open up to affirm it all. “I dreamed about you and a woman...” I would tell him. “Yes, that very woman” he would respond.
Activating my power activated my healing – it gathered my shadows and my lover’s shadows too. We stood before them and allowed them to transform us – transformation isn’t always the prettiest of things.
I saw how the agonising cramps I had been desperately seeking solutions for, were voices screaming to be heard. They were there to tell me of the violations I was passively allowing. I awakened to the layers beyond the physical, there for me to tangibly engage with.
Realising the depth of my body’s capacity to speak to me, I vowed to forever honour my deepest knowing. And to forever invest in this journey, for myself and for others - men and women alike.
Women. My words lack the ability to justify the true expansive beauty of our nature. There is so much power in our bodies. I believe it is necessary that we connect to this power within - for the sake of healing self and rising, for the sake of cultivating a stronger connection to our sense of self, to align with our callings.
The truth is that men need us to activate this power too. When we step in, we step in for the healing of all – for the healing of the patriarchal narratives of misogynistic attack – for the abuse and the rape and the torture.
When we rise, we call those around us to rise with us. To rise is to transcend. To transcend is to transform. And, as I said, transformation isn’t always the prettiest of things.
I look back on myself calling, “BUT HOW? How do I connect to this shit you’re talking about?” I recall it vividly.
Truth is, there are many cryptic and non-cryptic ways around those answers. The feminine realms we speak of do not relate to the laws of linear logic. However – there are legit actions we can take. For me, (and so many of my clients too) emotional clearing has been one of the most powerful tools.
Breathe (it’s a tangible way to connect to energy, to check in with self), tune in, persist, connect.
Dearest reader, may you intimately know the innermost depths of your power – may you celebrate your ability to facilitate change – may you be guided by your source of love, healing and connection to self. Dearest Soul, may your journey be blessed, may it be beautiful - may you rise.
Are you called to connect deeper? See the VELA MAMA 8 week online course I'm hosting for your own transformation (includes 1-on-1 sessions.)
"I found my sessions to be extremely eye-opening and took me by surprise! I learned so much about the different dimensions of my womb/vagina/ovaries/pelvic bowl after having underestimated the profound power of this energy center inside of me...Yana gave me lots of important information and useful tips and I feel like I'm still only at the tip of the iceberg in this journey of reconnecting with this massive element of myself."
“Amazingly transformative. I feel a deeper connection to my pelvic area and the areas that I was previously numb too. I am able to listen to the messages and communicate with that space. [My biggest breakthrough was] The bringing together of my feminine and masculine energies into a harmonious dance. ”
"I have had severe endometriosis since a teenager which means painful and sometimes quite traumatic monthly periods. I've been doing a lot of self development work in recent years to better understand my body, emotions and womanhood. My periods have got slightly better but since doing the emotional clearning sessions with Yana, I have had 3 consecutive trauma and pain free periods. I feel like it has given me a deeper connection with my pelvic area, a love for it and I have let go of some of the fear that came with expecting my period each month. I feel like some long held emotions in that area have been cleared. It's actually quite amazing!"