We were stuck in a rut. One which seemed so impossible to figure out.

Like a complex escape room puzzle where we always felt so close to cracking the code.

It was always so unpredictable as to whether we'd be madly in love, dropped in deep and feeling like the best thing in the world - or triggered up and resolving the bullet wounds of verbal torture.

Sometimes we'd feel near perfect and the world would flip in seconds. Resulting in arguments that would take hours if not days to solve.

Friends didn't understand and support seemed sparse. They didn't seem to get that there was some underlying answer that I just couldn't quite reach - and that sticking through it all was totally worth it for the both of us.

Nyaniso would bring me his pain, troubles and confessions. I would show one of two sides. Understanding, deep loving affection. Or lost-the-plot abusive rage.

I realize now that there were two internal responses to the world, arguing inside me. My inner masculine, and my inner feminine were so far from agreeing. (LOL at "how people treat you is a direct reflection of what's going on internally")

The reality of it goes like this:

My inner feminine once upon a time felt let down by my inner masculine. He didn't protect me and so she went on to ignore any of what he had to say. She would delve into the comfort of external arms, and as a result became a martyr in the name of unconditional love and acceptance. She was fucking beautiful, but such a damn push over and knew nothing of the need for firm boundaries to safely work inside.

My masculine had been fighting ever since to show worth and feel love, to demand respect from the external world and to end the sacrificial bullshit that my feminine has been so eager to display. He'd been pushed over the edge on countless occasions - lost the plot and manifested Crazy Woman Syndrome like you wouldn't believe.

MY CRAZY WOMAN wasn't the romanticized, glorified "Wild Woman" that we speak of. She wasn't powerful at all. She was my masculine, desperately clinging for the right to be asserted, to be acknowledged and to act as protector for my soul.

My feminine ADORED Nyaniso so deeply that she loved him and empathized with him through any bullshit he would bring. She was the one who cradled him and comforted him when he broke down at Level 4 Spiral - even though the night before he'd hurtful confessions had poured out. She was the one who said, "we'll get through this"

My masculine, however was PAINED. Pained at being tested, abandoned, ignored and pushed aside for someone who let me down. Like, "you fucking ignore me cause I failed you, but look at him failing you - do you know how riled up that makes me - BITCH?!" He would bubble up and fight to the death. Hurl abuse, violence and hurt - and feel justified in it. My masculine demanded boundaries, demanded health, demanded relevance and cried deeply to be witnessed.

I wonder how many "crazy angry wild women" out there are also screaming from a masculine place - dying to restore balance and assert power. I wonder how reflective my story is of other relationships - inner relationships to self and external relationships to others.

I know this...

Whatever it is, with commitment we can transcend it. The Golden Thread guided us here. 

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